Under Dire Circumstances
by Jacalyn
Summary: After a series of unfortunate events, America finds himself in a dilemma prior to the "murder" of England, and unwillingly becomes Russia's accomplice during the act. Total Crack and America's PoV. RUSAME and UKUS, so pretty much it's a love triangle. THE DRAMA.
1. Chapter 1

To the readers: This is America's PoV, so stuff is very biased and stupid. It may or may not be offensive (specifically to Russians) so please take that into consideration. This fic has been written for merely a few laughs. After all, isn't that what Hetalia is all about?

* * *

Chapter I

* * *

It all started when Japan showed me this thing called "anime."

The first time was when I was visiting his house in Tokyo.

Since I seemed to, "spark an interest" as Japan said, he began displaying these seemingly similar, exaggeratedly huge eyed, colorful haired protagonists before every World Conference.

That was until one fateful day he showed me this considerably famous one from his country, which was about this Japanese guy taking over the world by writing people's names in books and killing them. And well, obviously that's not right because the main character's Japanese, not American, and everything American is better.

So to make a long story short, I knew I had to come up with a better idea than him.

T'WAS THIS DAY THAT MY TALE REGRETTABLY UNRAVELLED.

It was a Friday night, and I was minding my own business. You know, chillin' watching SpongeBob. It was difficult coming up with good cartoon ideas, and in the end I decided to just call it a day. So I got my VHS out to get to some watching.

I was watching the pizza delivery episode where SpongeBob's jamming, "KRUSTY KRAB PIZZA, IT'S A PIZZA FO YOU AND MEEEE." Yeah, and then Squidward's all like 'J' the whole time.

If you look closely, you might mistake it for Russia's nose, except not as squid-like. Speaking of pizza, (Not Russia. Russia doesn't make me think of pizza) now I really was in the mood for it.

I raced out of my seat Italian-style to grab my phone, which was for no reason I could think of in my fridge. Okay, maybe I did know why, but that's enough with adding useless pieces of information. Don't sweat the small stuff. Because, well, then you'll sweat. I don't like sweaty people. Especially if that person's name happens to be France.

You guys are still curious, aren't you? Huh? Well, fine. I'm feelin' generous so I'll tell all of y'all. Uhhh, Canadia (am I right?) and I had this bet since he never answers my texts.

So I was all like, Canadia, I bet your phone just froze because you're so COLD. PFFFT. Get it? You know, because Canadia's like cold and stuff. Not warm and fuzzy like me. He got all angry and quiet, so while I was LOL-ing he told me cellphones can't die in cold conditions. To prove him wrong, I put my phone in my fridge. Pretty smart way of testing da facts.

The only problem was, when I took my phone out of the fridge, it still worked!

Canadia was right, and that's no good. I was planning on making him fill in on me for the next World Conference. But at least I could call the pizza delivery guy, so not all was bad. Though I hope whatever errand I owe him has nothing to do with a "Save the Beavers" project like last time. I mean, ew, he already gave us Justin Bieber, we really don't need more.

Anyway, I dialed and ordered two large extra cheese pizzas with pepperoni. What of it? I know all of you are judging. Don't lie. I can feel it in my blond.

It was nine, and I was in my Spiderman jammies on a Friday night, watching old episodes of SpongeBob on my VHS. Wow that makes me sound lonely. Well, I'm not lonely! Tony was just playing horror games in my basement while my Whale was eating krill or some shit like that. So while waiting I decided to un-pause SpongeBob.

That was until someone started calling me. Right after I sat back down. I knew this piece of juicy data because I could hear my ringtone of that one song from Wonder Pets. You know that episode where they're all like, "The phone, the phone is ringing" and then it gets to the good part where they're all singing in chorus, "There's an animal in trouble!"

(I like that song, because it sounds heroic.)

You know how it goes, beating up villains, saving damsels in distress on a daily basis. That's why Wonder Pets is an amazing show for the childrens. The only problem was that I just wasn't feelin' it that night.

I mean, who needed to call me at what, 9 at night? I know that heroes are supposed to help after hearing anyone calling out for help, but you don't see Spiderman in his pajamas trying to save the day. Wait, maybe he does…

(I wasn't in my Spiderman pajamas, thus this call did not count.)

Finally it stopped and I un-paused SpongeBob, until two seconds later Linny was alerting me the fact that my phone was indeed ringing. By then I was pretty cheesed off.

After the billionth time hearing, "There's an animal in trouble!" I got up to check who it was.

Well, apparently there was an England in trouble.

Of course it was. Not that I'm saying he was actually in trouble, it's just that he doesn't have a life, so he intrudes mine instead to make himself feel less lonely.

In case you all didn't know, England spends his free time talking to gnomes in his backyard. He invites them to tea parties, you see. PFFT. To prove a point to him, last Christmas I bought him a 'Forever Alone' tee-shirt. He didn't talk to me for over six months, but it was worth it.

He forgave me eventually though, and then started calling me every few days again just to nag about keeping up with foreign policies. Really, I get calls like these on Friday nights. For this reason, and because I didn't really want to talk to him, I turned off my phone. Get a life England.

The rest of the night went pretty well after that, consisting of me marathoning SpongeBob and putting my phone back in the fridge.

(Maybe if I took out the batteries Canadia wouldn't notice.)

And to make things better, once the pizza delivery episode ended someone rang at my door. I didn't know Pizza Hut had such quick service, and I was excited, because after watching animated pizza you get really hungry, ya know?

Haven't you ever eaten a cheeseburger while watching SpongeBob, and pretended it was actual factual Krabby Patty? If you haven't then GTFO. Haha, just kidding, but it's still pretty awesome when you use your ~IMAGINATION~.

I was so excited, that I didn't even bother changing out of my jammies. Not that I'm self-conscious about stuff like that. Nope. I already told you not to sweat the small stuff.

That's when I opened the door, wallet in my other hand, only to come face to face with Russia.

I know what all of you are thinking. Why was Russia at my door at 9:30 or so at night? The answer to that question is that I didn't know either. So instead, I came to the conclusion that he must be the pizza delivery boy. Don't y'all be laughing, cause I actually got a good reason this time for assuming so.

Like I said before, I don't relate pizza and Russia together, but come on, what other reason could it be? I know that I didn't butt dial him or anything, and there's no way I called him instead of Pizza Hut. The guy on the phone didn't even have a creepy Russian accent. It couldn't have been just a coincidence either, because there's no such thing as a coincidence. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

And so, I just had to believe Russia was the pizza delivery boy, because if he wasn't then that means he came to my house for some sick, twisted, communist reason. I mean, how else could he have gotten my address?

I may believe in fate, but I know for sure fate didn't tie Russia and I together. So I asked him in the most appropriate manner for that delicious, crunchy, over-saturated piece of dough. "Uhh dude, you better give me my two large extra cheese pizzas with pepperoni and go away."

"Greetings comrade," he said all calm. What the hell kind of greeting is that? Couldn't he just say an easy, I don't know, 'Hi?'

"I come for good relation."

Psssh hell to the no! "Wait… Are you trying to tell me there's no pizza?"

"Da."

I slammed the door in his face. Owned.

I felt very proud of myself until I looked through my peephole, because he was still out there. Smilling. Like he thought I would eventually open the door. Or something like that. But yeah, his smile never disappeared. He just stood there giving me major creeps.

Since I didn't have pizza like I wanted, I was depressed and to make it worse my phone began to ring again, and I knew it was England so I made sure to ignore it.

What had my life come to? I just didn't know anymore. All I wanted was pizza, but no. WHY HAS GOD TORTURED ME SO. Still pitying myself, I looked out my door and Russia was still out there creepin' like the troll he is. Realizing that he wasn't going to leave anytime soon, I opened it again.

"Alright, what do you really want?"

"Good relation."

"Oh okay, and who told you I wanted better relations with you?" Really now.

"Boss told me so. Your boss called too."

It took me a few moments, but then I did remember. Last week Obama called me about getting foreign relations up, but I was too busy trying to come up with an epic cartoon. That and I was hosting the next World Conference in Washington D.C. in a few days. Oops.

"Oh-OH."

"Hehehe," Russia giggled.

"Dude don't laugh like that ever again. No wonder you don't have any friends."

"Okay." I gave him the evil eye, because I knew he was going to do it again. No matter what Russia says, I know he's still a true commie at heart. He just kept smiling.

"May I come in?" I wanted to say no, but I knew that I couldn't.

"Uhhhh, sure…"

To say that the entire situation wasn't awkward at all was an understatement.

Russia sat at my kitchen table. He didn't really do/say anything. I guess he thought I would start some type of conversation with him. But he was wrong, because I don't talk to communists, or terrorists for that matter. IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE.

"Justice?" Russia asked. "What does that have to do with meeting?"

"I didn't say that." Oh lmao, guess I just said that out loud.

"You did. I do not understand."

"You're not supposed to dude." Then I whispered for a heroically dramatic effect, "Because you'll never be a hero."

"Oh."

I wanted this statement to sink in, so I gave him the stare that they do in action movies. Like in the one scene in the Avengers where Loki's father is a like, "Son, you will never succeed the throne." And Loki is all like, "F you dad."

See, it was supposed to be a very deep moment until Russia ruined it by changing the subject.

"I come to warm relation, just as vodka warm body during cold weather —"

"Uh dude, you just ruined the moment."

"—I want to warm your body."

"UHHH."

Russia was all like, ^J^ creeping me the fuck out.

My phone rang again from the fridge, and suddenly I didn't even care that it was England anymore. I was about to walk to my fridge to get it, but Russia stood up and put his hand on my shoulder. He looked into my eyes intensely.

This was not the dramatic moment that I had imagined.

I was desperately trying to get out of Russia grasp, when suddenly my doorbell rang.

And I was going to cry. Why? Because it was the pizza guy.

Thankfully that got Russia to let go of me. "Hmph. I will get door."

After he left I was just sort of frozen in place. I guess being around Russia for no more than fifteen minutes can really get to someone. Who knew?

To take it easy, I laid down on my couch. As you can already assume, my life is very stressful.

I didn't think of Russia, England, or Canadia and the phone, nothing.

Well, now that I think about it, I must have really been in out of it because I didn't realize just how long Russia was at the door.

That should have been the first warning bell, but I don't know I guess I just wasn't paying attention earlier. Eventually I kicked my legs over and off the couch to check up on him, because I don't trust Russia in my house.

He was just standing at the doorway with his pipe in one hand, and…

"HOE-MA-GOD. WHAT DID YOU DO!?"

"I was very surprised."

"YOU KILLED HIM!"

Okay, so all of you are probably really confused right now. Well, I'll clarify that for you. England was at my front door. Dead.

I cried deeply.

"I am sorry for your loss. But all is well."

"What do you mean?!" HOW CAN ALL BE WELL WHEN ANOTHER COUNTRY WAS DEAD AT MY FRONT DOOR. Seriously, I was trembling, but Russia went on trying to explain in his own creepy psychopathic way.

"When door open, England tried to hit me, he thought I was you and lashed out how you ignore phone call. In self-defense, I hit back. England's puny body could not handle it."

So, to sum it all up, everything that just happened was all because I didn't answer England's phone calls. It wasn't just today that I didn't answer either. A little over a… month maybe? But that still didn't mean that it was all my fault! If Russia wasn't so violent and creepy, it wouldn't have happened.

"Dude, you don't just carry random water pipes and hit people with them!"

"I am not finished. He is not dead. He is unconscious, but hard hit may take week or so to wake. Lithuania crushing only take week or so before happy again."

"Oh…" And what did he just say about Lithuania-

"Am surprised you do not come earlier. He was not very quiet. Loud and obnoxious. Like you."

"Agh, I know he's so annoying…Wait a sec, HEY!"

Russia just kol kol koled.

This was all of his fault, so I let him know this.

"This is all your fault."

He stopped koling, and stared at me. "Mine? If you answer phone call, incident would not happen."

OH. OH. No he didn't. My fault? That he couldn't control himself and killed, uh, knocked England out cold in front of my door. Uh uh.

"If you were like any normal person, then you wouldn't have attacked him! I can get you arrested for this. My country, my rules dude."

Russia seemed to let it sink in for a few moments, but then replied with a grin, "And what if I say you are accomplice?"

"WHAT, dude there's no way this is my fault."

"Clues go back to you."

I was trying to think of some witty remark to counter his accusations. But I couldn't of anything. I was SPEECHLESS. Why?

Because I realized he was right. The phone call, the front door, even the England! WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO?

I mean really, England called me several times over the past month(s), he's a close ally, we've been arguing a lot during conferences lately, he happened to be badly beaten in the front of my house, and I was the last person he called….

This did not look good for me.

"Do not fear little America, arrangement can be made."

At that moment I didn't want to let Russia know how internally conflicted I felt, so I responded, "What arrangement? I'm fine! It's all good, ha. LONG LIVE CAPITALISM."

Russia just stared at me. Kinda like he thought something was wrong with me. And there wasn't anything wrong with me. There was something seriously wrong with him. I mean really, blame me? The U.S. of the A? HAHA. Yeah right. To prove my point, I started to laugh.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"

Russia just smiled at me and started laughing too. Like you know, that weird kolkolkol thing with black/purplish aura surrounding him? Yeah, he was laughing like that. All creepy and gay. And when I mean gay, I mean like happy gay, not gay gay.

(But I bet he's gay gay too.)

(Don't think I hadn't forgotten about that vodka incident from earlier.)

I don't really remember how long we stood there just laughing. With SpongeBob still playing on my old VHS tapes, with England dead at my front door. With the door wide open. With blood on my floor. And Russia's bloody water pipe in his other hand.

But there's no such thing as a coincidence. Everything happens for reason, and apparently today Jesus wanted England to be unconscious (dead?) at my front door, and for me to partner it up with Russia in crime.

Whilst we laugh, Russia asked, "So we have deal?"

I could only hope that the neighbors couldn't hear us.

Oh, and in case you all were wondering, I never did get my pizza. :(


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: New chapter! Well, this fic seems super unpopular, but hey that's A-OKAY! I already pre-wrote everything out. Also, just to clarify things right now, the pairing is both RUSAME and UKUS! It's a love-triangle, but it's more of an unrequited love. But, that doesn't mean there's no sexual tension etc, because this is fanfiction afterall!

Oh and just to point this out now, this chapter gets really crazy.

* * *

Chapter II

* * *

Blood sure is hard to clean up.

I sat down scrub-a-dubbing for about thirty minutes, but you could still see the blood that fell in the cracks. Why didn't I just use a hose you say? First off, no one waters their plants at like, 12 at night. I barely even water my plants during day hours because who cares about landscaping. That's why God gave us rain, duh.

Russia called back the pizza delivery and said it was a "mistake" and to refund the order. You know, because if some random pizza dude came to my door amidst of at least a gallon of blood that I was scrubbing off the floor; it might look a little suspicious.

Meanwhile, Russia was cleaning up England so that it didn't look like he was hit with a water pipe. I bet he has so much experience hiding evidence, that murderer.

I mean, just look at his history. During the Russian Revolution, there was the RED army that won thus creating the Soviet Union. I just threw World History at joo bitches. Anyway, they were RED, as in the color of BLOOD. They also happened to be communists too, which makes it that much worse.

But like I was previously complaining about, I was stuck doing stupid jobs, like scrubbing blood off the pavement of my front door.

UGHHHH.

I mean who cares, who checks your front door for evidence I mean that's just too obvious but Russia just insisted and insisted.

After a while I just got really bored so I decided to do something else.

Like going back in my house and play video games with Tony. Did I mention that Tony was still downstairs playing horror games? I'm surprised he didn't come upstairs yet, because when I walked back in my house Russia was performing some crazy ass ritual or whatever the hell he does.

He drew symbols all over my countertop with a very dead England just lying there in the middle. I let him know that I did not appreciate this.

"What the F man." Russia was wearing reading glasses while studying this ancient looking book. He glanced up for a moment before resuming with… Whatever he was doing.

"Greeting Amerika."

I couldn't believe it. Acting like nothing was going on. PFFT. The symbols he drew were all in red paint too. That was going to be a bitch to clean.

"Dude what the heck this red paint is never going to come off. I thought you were cleaning him up so it doesn't look like you killed him! Not cool."

"Not paint. Is blood."

"AHGHGHGHGAHAHAH-"

?

I didn't really know what else to write here because I was making incoherent noises from being so PEEVED OFF.

"Sound like Argali sex."

"First TMI, second what the hell is an Argali, third only you would know, I bet you watch animals go at it all day every day."

"Da. I admit. To answer question Argali is species of most large sheep that live in Rus -"

"I DON'T CAREEE."

Russia paused and put his book down suddenly. At first I thought he was going to get all angry and start ranting in Russian, but I was completely wrong. Instead he made awkward eye contact with me, and whispered, "We are ready."

Russia tapped England's body, and for a single moment he glowed. Like all sparkly. Kind of like Edward Cullen, or Germany when he has those crazy GERMAN SPARKLE PARTAHS. But then it stopped. And I was alone with Russia and England's not so sparkly body. I was sad.

"Time is to bury body," Russia randomly announced afterwards.

I know what all of you are thinking. Was I really going to help conceal evidence of the murder of my former mentor just because Russia was blackmailing me?

Well, yes.

"I can't just bury him in my backyard. I mean, that might be a little suspicious," I said in my heroically heroic voice.

"No. Get in car." And just like that Russia picked England up and was heading for my car.

"Ewww don't let him touch anything, because he's all gross and dead." This was a very true statement, because nobody wants dead things in their car.

However, Russia simply glanced back to look at me with his poker face. He was almost as good as Germany. He ignored me and sat in the passenger side after throwing England in the backseat of the car.

AHEM, of my car.

I went back to get my car keys and also stopped to bring Febreze with me, just like Spongebob did in that health inspector episode. Good episodes guys. I put my phone back in my fridge too, after deleting all of the call history of England blowing up my phone.

Then I sprayed everything England touched, with Russia just doing whatever sitting up in the front. I started the car, trying to ignore him.

Oh, and I didn't dare turn around to look at England because it would remind me that there was a dead guy in my backseat. That's not a very good thing to remember while driving.

"To forest four miles from house. We say drunk England going to house, but collapse."

"Ohh… Right. Wait a sec, how did you even know that?"

"I like your geography."

"Oh." Somehow, I felt violated after that statement.

It got really awkward after that, so I put in a Weird Al CD.

Russia didn't seem to mind this, thus it was okay.

"Trapped in the Drive-Thru" started playing so I was jamming like a boss on the road. You know air guitar and drums. Russia just quietly sat there, even though it was like on max volume.

A stop light came up, and I kind of almost ran it. But don't worry kids, I stopped only kind of in the middle of the street.

What of it? No one was on the road, so your argument is invalid.

Why didn't I just run it over since no one was on the street? That's because Russia was next to me, and I wanted to prove to him that Americans are better drivers. Haven't you ever seen youtube videos of Russians? You know, those "In SOVIET Russia-" Yakov Smirnoff joke videos. Yeah, well in AMERICA we actually drive our cars and still not get in accidents while doing amazing stunts.

Anyway, so I didn't run the stop light, but slammed on the brakes like Fred and his homies do in the Flintstones.

See, it was a pretty clever idea. I was wearing a seatbelt because I'm smart, unlike some people.

(AKA: Russia.)

It was all fun and games until I felt something hit the back of my head restraint.

I turned around, with a wtf was that face, when I realized IT WAS ENGLAND.

His arms were dangling on the sides of the seat. It was like in the opening of Scooby-Doo where Daphne is checking for some clues, and a ghostly hand appears behind her.

Do all of you picture that? Yeah, except his hand touched my face.

My first reaction was kind of like this; don't you dare judge me:

"ENGLAND AND HIS GNOMES CAME BACK TO HAUNT MEE AHASGHUIDSHUKBV-"

I accidently floored my accelerator during all this madness. My car started to veer off the right side of the road.

"I'M SORRY THAT I DIDN'T ANSWER YOUR VOICEMAILS, AND FOR THAT ONE TIME YOU GAVE ME SCONES AND I USED THEM AS CHARCOAL FOR MY GRILL-"

This was a very serious moment, and I'm sure if any of you were in my situation you would have shat your pants too.

Meanwhile, Russia ducked under my arm, trying to steer the wheel, but all these hands everywhere were freaking me out, so I slapped him too.

If you guys can't deduce what happened after that, then I'll tell you.

We crashed and it was bad.

Normally during car crashes, someone can be ejected from the vehicle, and if they are then the driver is blamed for killing that person and all of those shenanigans.

But see, there's a trick here. England was already in a coma/dead, so when he flew out it obviously didn't count because he was already dead.

Get it?

So none of this was on my part.

After Russia and I got out of the car, we both looked for England's body. It wasn't unnerving at all, you know, hunting with Russia for dead bodies in the wee hours of morning.

You guys can only imagine the amounts of CHEESED OFF I was.

"You owe me like, the entire Pizza Hut catalog for this."

"Hehe, your car take damage," Russia giggled all creepily while ignoring my previous statement. See? I told you he would do it again. Damn commies.

It took me another few minutes to realize that what Russia said actually meant something. My front windshield was jacked up, and that's also his fault because he didn't buckle England. Jeez, respect the dead dude.

"Who just leaves a dead body to float around in the back? YOU SET ME UP DIDN'T YOU."

"No. But very amusing. Mother Russia knew you would not look back."

"UGGGHH."

UGGGHH.

He always twists stuff to make me look bad! It wasn't even that scary. I was just… surprised.

But I wasn't about to argue with Russia, so instead I made a point to ignore him. It was silent. And dark. But those things didn't matter. I already told all of you that it wasn't that scary.

Russia started to say something, but I ignored him, because I'm a MAN. THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA BITCHES. I don't take no crap from no one.

"Amerika."

"…" Heh, Russia thought I was really going to listen to what he had to say? Well, he was WRONG.

"I have found England."

...Oh.

"Uh, where?"

"In tree."

I looked up to find that England was indeed in a tree. Somehow he lost his shirt in the process. You could still tell he was dead though, because his tongue was sticking out. That is an obvious sign, since dead people always have their tongues out when dead.

"It is perfect," Russia said in a more than satisfied voice. "Now we leave."

"Wait! *Insert dramatic pause here*…We can't just leave him like this."

"Why not?" Uggh, he is so insensitive. GAWD.

"I think we should say a few last words." I know all of you thought I was going to be insensitive about this entire ordeal too.

Russia tried compromising, "You see him in week or more. No need," but to no avail. A true hero would have none of that.

"I have to. England would never do that to me. In the name of juuusss-"

"He also would have not agreed to be partner either," Russia rudely interrupted.

But he didn't realize that he was the one in the wrong! Silly Russia.

"No, England is a pussy."

"Hm. Perhaps."

No matter, because I knew I had to respect England's corpse. That is because if I didn't, England and his creepy ass gnomes might start haunting me for realz yo.

When he was alive, (or not in a coma, same old) he would croak in a Britishy voice to respect your elders. So yeah, this obviously applies in the afterlife as well.

There are always flowers for funerals and such, so I looked around for a few moments to find some. A little way from where Russia found England was a patch of buttercups.

"Look Russia, I found some buttercups!" I said excitedly, because I was excited.

Russia answered in an unamused tone, "So to make up for funeral you give him weeds."

"Buttercups aren't weeds! They're pretty." How offensive. That's like saying Buttercup from Powerpuff girls is a weed. That's mean, and I can see why she was so angry all the time. Poor Buttercup. :(

"You take too long," Russia complained again.

"You can't rush these things! I need to give England a proper funeral dude. That's what England always wanted." He probably wanted a royal British funeral or whatever, but under these circumstances I highly doubted it would go like that.

"You mean he wanted to die?" Russia asked confused.

"No. That was your fault." He raised a brow.

"You just said-"

"NO. Dude, I have to make this a good funeral. Shut up." I picked up a few more buttercups and other flowers, not weeds.

I gathered about a handful before dropping it in front of the tree that England was hanging off of.

I looked back up at where England was hanging, and it felt as if his eyes were piercing into my soul. YES guys, his eyes weren't even closed. Like what the hell bro thanks for the nightmares.

Taking a deep breath with my bottom lip slightly quivering I began my speech. "England was a great guy, uh nation. He loved many aspects of life. As far as I can remember, he loved his imaginary friends the most. There is not one day that I don't remember how he would wave at the air, or stay in his garden at odd hours before dusk whilst laughing. He also very much loved tea, and also had a lot of badass tea parties with the Queen and her fat corgi. Amen, god bless."

After a few moments of silence I turned to Russia, "Any condolences you want to add?"

"No."

"…Huh okay, let's just get out of here," I shrugged, turning my back towards Russia and England to find my car.

(I wouldn't just suddenly forget about my car that I just crashed, if that's what all of you were thinking.)

"Amerika," Russia called from behind me, and it was weird, because what else did we really need to talk about now?

"What?"

"Nothing is a coincidence."

Before I was able to even respond back, he went on giggling, "Hehehe. Nothing comes for price either."

"Uhhh-"

"I can't wait for my prize."

And like that he was gone. Well not really, he didn't just randomly disappear. A purplish-black smoke enveloped his body, and THEN he vanished into the thick air of the night, leaving me on a pretty ominous note.

I guess I really shouldn't have expected to actually help me. I feel like those words of wisdom of how 'everything happens for a reason' that I live by are somehow going to be warped because, well, it's Russia and honestly what else should I really be expecting here.

Yeah, and it took me a few moments to come to actually assess my current predicament, but you know, a lot of shit has happened these past few hours:

Essentially, I was by myself at two o'clock in the morning next to the crime scene that I just helped Russia get away with. Ah, and let's not forget that tiny detail that I had just wrecked my car and, therefore couldn't drive it back home because it wouldn't start for some reason AND I didn't have a hijacker on me.

Also, I rummaged through the pockets to realize that I left my phone in my house, more specifically, in my fridge. Dammit Canadia.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: This chapter is much shorter, but a lot goes down. It was really fun to write.

* * *

Chapter III

* * *

Funny how helping someone get away with murder doesn't really change much. The only problem was that I told everyone that England would be absent for three weeks, but the story seemed suspicious. (Especially the Queen, but dude, what could I say? All I could tell her was that England was hanging out with me, and happened to miss the last meeting.)

The real question was, how long would it take for him to just wake up already? I waited every day for England to call back, or to find Russia somewhere lurking around, waiting… Watching…

But, nothing else really worth mentioning happened, so life went on. I was in Washington on this fabulous day, hanging with Japan before the World Conference officially started.

"Anyway bro, the main character is stuck between his bad and good conscience you know? It will be kind of like that anime you showed me with the guy and the dude with the face paint, but better of course!"

Japan silently nodded his head, because that is what the Japanese do. However, I still felt very unsettled from the week before, more specifically, the week that I helped Russia commit a murder. Call me hyper-aware, but that's what assisting in a murder can do to you! Remember that kids.

Eventually Japan quietly replied, "America-san, in Deathnote Raito does not attain for his sins, and never truly understands the consequences for his actions. Also, Ryuk does not wear face paint, he is a shinigami."

"Haha, what's this 'shimi-gami' mumbo jumbo?"

"He is a God of Death."

"Wh-what, like a ghost?"

"Um, no."

"Oh, ha! Gee whiz, you scared me for moment there." Japan seemed like he wanted to touch up on the subject but I didn't let him.

"So in the end, like all amazing stories, the main character fixes his wrongdoings and everyone is happy and there's a dance number. Oh and singing! I love musicals. Why do you think my country made so many High school Musicals? They're the bomb diggity."

"...I understand. It is much the same way of how each episode in my country has both an opening and ending song."

"Yeah but your ending theme songs are always emo."

"No, they are dramatic!"

"Dude you still can't hide the fact that at least a few are emo, you know? Like why do they always have close ups on the main characters face and there's the couple everyone always ships, and then emotional background music to-"

"America, start the meeting. We are already three minutes behind and this is giving me a headache," Germany suddenly interrupted me while rubbing his temples. How could it not of been, because let's be honest here, he's pretty much the only one that tries to get something accomplished at these pointless meetings.

So eventually I started the meeting. I scanned the room for Russia, but he was nowhere in sight.

"Uhh...So hey guys."

The room was in complete silence, with all eyes on me. I don't know why, but in that moment, suddenly all of the memories hit me. England dead on my doorsteps. Russia and I driving in my car to dump his body. Looking for his body in the wee hours of the morning. Pretty trippy huh?

"Uh-eh-uhhhh," I was totally blanking out.

FFFFFFFFFFF-

It was just like in the TV shows, with everyone awkwardly whispering. THE RUMORS. THE DRAMA.

That was until Russia came through the doors. Suddenly. Erotically. No you did not read that wrong. EROTICALLY. He wasn't even wearing his suit. Like what the hell man this is a workplace. Learn the atmosphere.

But he did not.

Russia came through the doors wearing nothing but these fake kitty ears and waiter outfit that showed off his bare ass. But his fake kitty ears were purple, and the waiter outfit was black. Like wow it doesn't even match bro. Try harder next time.

"Greetings all," Russia spoke acting natural. Like he didn't come to a meeting in a completely uncharacteristic outfit. WTF.

"HONHONHON so it's one of those meetings America!" France called from the back.

No one laughed at France's joke. The air was tense.

"Kokolkolkol," Russia koled. "It just may turn into meeting you imply."

DUDE.

DOUBLE WTF.

Meanwhile, Estonia fainted, Latvia started to cry, and Lithuania started to pat his back and whisper reassurances in his ear.

"Oh brother I want that meeting!" Belarus also screamed. This was getting really weird really fast.

"No."

"WHYYYY!"

"Amerika," Russia addressed me, ignoring the madness he just caused.

Nervously I asked, "Uh, what?"

"Marry me."

Silence. Complete and utter silence.

I stood there shocked, and was completely unable to move. Did Russia really just propose to me in front of the entire world?

I felt paralyzed, but Russia just got closer to me. I found my voice soon enough, and whispered, "What the hell are you doing?"

Russia smiled like the psycho he is and replied, "America, I thought you would know by now. I want you."

I knew I had to bring Russia outside because BRO. Obviously we've been having some communication issues here. We left everyone else inside, but I'm pretty sure they'll all just come see the drama for themselves because all of them are nosy.

Once we were at a safer proximity, I whispered again, "No dude that's sick. We helped eachother get away with it. I'll only do you a solid, nothing more!"

"Oh Amerika, how naive. You think I did not lie? I said I want prize. This is what I want."

Of course, I'm sure anyone would I piece of my hot bod, unnfgh. Usually, I would be like totally into it like, "YEA LET'S GO." But no, this was Russia. Who instills fear in the young youth of America, wears scarves in the middle of the Summer, and hides under people's mattresses at night.

"Well, ask for something else then...!"

"Sex?"

"That doesn't have to do with coming in any physical contact with you!" I yelled. Oops.

"It is too late, Amerika," Russia said, "I will announce big secret if you do not accept fate." Uggh. All this talk about fate.

"You wouldn't, you would get in trouble too." I replied knowingly.

"Hm. Yes, but no matter."

"Dude noooo, I'm not giving up my hot bod for that!"

"I have provided entire Pizza Hut menu."

How did he know Pizza Hut was my fav? Was he a psychic now too?

Russia answered my thoughtful, unsaid question, "I remember from before. I am great listener." How does he remember off handed comments I say but nothing else?

"B-bro, just because your doing this one time for me, doesn't mean I'm accepting your proposal." DO NOT JUDGE ME GUYS, I AM NOT A HOE.

"I will provide life time amount of pizza," Russia tried resolving.

"Hmm, that's sounds a little better, but dude you might just be lying to me."

Russia looked intensely into my eyes (sounds kind of familiar) and responded, "No, Mother Russia will not lie about such matter."

"BUT YOU LIED TO ME BEFORE."

"Fine. Fellow countries," Russia started yelling with his hands waving like a crazed maniac, "It is not strange coincidence of Engl-"

"No- I, I ACCEPT. JESUS."

I know all of you are judging me, but that's fine. I don't need friends.

I had pizza now, so, "Now we're eating!" :,D (That is the slogan of Pizza Hut from like the 2000's if you guys remember.)

(I like slogans.)

Even if I didn't agree, it was still the inevitable, right? I don't want to have a bad rep in front of the rest of the world. So, the only logical solution to this crisis was to marry Russia. Right guys?

Right?

"Umm. Is it too late to take back what I said?"

"No."

Well, I guess I was screwed. And now that I think about it, somehow, I had become bounded to Russia for life. Karma sure can be a bitch.

However, just like the Good Wife, I knew I just had to pull through. I couldn't let little things like marriage ruin my life.

"So can I ask why you're dressed up like that?" I asked, finally accepting my fate.

"This is my outfit of seduction."

Oh.

Russia sauntered back to the White House in the meantime, ( I did not look at his ass if that's what all of you are thinking) and ignored my protests. I didn't want everyone to know my business.

"I make World News now. Me and America will marry. All of you go home."

Thank you Russia. Now we'll be known to the rest of the world as butt-buddies.

Everyone stared. Belarus wrung my neck. Latvia peed his pants. Somehow, France lost his pants. And then, like all great soap operas (I'm looking at you, General Hospital) it all became a tragic blur.

THE DRAMA.


End file.
